dusty answer

2011-06-21T18:05:00.001-07:00

i don't feel like i'm up for it. my mind is boggled with emotions. anxiety. fear. inferiority. apprehension. it all boils down to the fact that i'm not ready. will i ever be?

2011-05-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

dont hold your breath cause we've already been here
there are trees to remember you by
these trees are cold but they're anticipating
the sun is gonna give the kiss of life

2011-01-27T07:27:00.000-08:00

i haven't written in so long it feels like i've forgotten how to write. one year has passed and everything still feels the same.. everything still feels the same with me. i'm still stuck. as much as i don't want to admit it, its happening again.. i'm losing control, again. i don't understand how people can move on from r/s with all the pain in their hearts. if their pain is very much like the pain i'm feeling now how is that even possible? i'm weak, i'm so weak i'm not willing to let go of the person i know isn't good for me. you're not good for me.. took me a couple of months to realise that but you're not good for me. the thing is, i don't know how to leave. everytime i try it feels like my heart is breaking into a million pieces. i wish you'd understand the immensity of my emotions. but you never will, i ought to know by now that you'd never will. you're too caught up with your own anger, your selfishness that you forget me, my heart, my feelings, me. you make me happy, of course you do.. its just always, always according to your mood. your feelings. so everything with you is unpredictable, your anger, your love.. you drive me crazy but i don't wanna leave you, i don't know how to.

^^

2009-12-27T07:59:00.000-08:00

2009-12-23T02:37:00.000-08:00

i can't believe its going to be christmas in 2 days. time passes so fast! i'm really excited about christmas this year, even though i couldnt convince anyone to buy a christmas tree for me. its so unfair that people living in some other countries get to use real coniferous trees for christmas and i can't even get a fake one. i'm really getting into the festive mood. i think this is the first year i actually wrap presents for people on my own :P i'm spending christmas morning in hann's church, lunch at ahma's house and dinner with kang jin. poor boy is bummed about the fact that his missing a white christmas in korea. The last time they had a white christmas was when he was 14 ha ha now he is 21 and he is spending christmas in singapore with me!! Its really hard getting into the mood for christmas in Singapore because its so hot, it never snows and all we have are fake christmas trees. but its been like these for me for 17 years so i'll just have to make do~ christmas is my favourite time of the year, i can't wait ^^

2009-11-05T03:31:00.000-08:00

2009-11-05T03:26:00.000-08:00

“ I just don’t know if i wanna do it anymore, get close to somebody so they can leave again. ”

- One Tree Hill

2009-11-01T05:06:00.000-08:00

you're an amazing guy, really. we dont even need to communicate effectively for me to know it. the last person i ever want to hurt is you. because you dont deserve anything like that, you dont deserve all the sadness or pain you've experienced. i want to be there for you, i want to make you happy, except i dont think its up to me. i dont think i've the capacity. i'm afraid that all i'll do is lead you on. i dont even know what i want for myself. how can i love anyone?

i wonder what you tell her. i wonder if they're the same things you used to tell me. i wonder if i still cross your mind when you're with her

2009-10-04T03:55:00.000-07:00

i haven't logged in for so long i had to try a few passwords before i was able to log in :P

i've been shopping the whole week its time for me to catch up with all my friends but i dont think i've met anyone except sarah, si min and kang jin after promos ended :/ the ones in jc are busy mugging now and the ones in poly are either overseas or working :( i need to meet everyone!! i havent met mel, py and hann in ages >.< i'm going to meet lydia and zengan next week oh heehee i think i'm going to meet everyone next week. next week will be a good week^^ hahaha anyway i hope everyone end their promos and everyone overseas will come back soon so we can all meet up.

i'm not so emo now. i think studying really makes me feel like my life is 100 times worse than it actually is. i think i'd pretty badly for promos but thats okay, i did my best and if i dont do well enough to promote, i'll just go to poly next year with sarah :P i've been really happy slacking. i just napped finish :/ went to the night safari with kang jin last night and i felt like a tourist^^
okay i want to go to all the tourist places in singapore with him so i can pretend i'm korean hahaha :P

약속

2009-09-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

an awful lot of thoughts is going through my mind right now..
actually, i've been staring at the screen for the past half an hour trying to figure out how to best express my thoughts and feelings for the past month in words. i'm trying to organize my thoughts and reasons for such thoughts in order.. truth is, i don't know whats up with me either.

i don't know what to do about my self-esteem. i feel like there's no hope in life, in my life, that i'm heading nowhere, no purpose, no plan, no future. everyone else around me seems to be much better off. every little thing affects me. it piles up and piles up and i can't help making a big deal out of everything. its not that i stress myself too much. i'm not even doing work. i'm just living day by day and i can't deal with it. i want something more, i want my life to be more than this. i need God i need God. He is the answer to my questions and thoughts, i've this pillar to rely on, this shelter.. so why do i still feel so afraid, why do i still feel the need to please others? why do i hate myself so much? i wish things would be better, i wish i wasnt made this way, i wish i had this, i wish i had that, i wish i was anyone but me. discontentment. i've been like this all my life and its getting worse.. its not like i didn't try. i tell myself i'm lucky, i inject positive thoughts into my mind. but its so hard. esp when you've to face the shit feelings i feel almost everyday. i honestly believe that i'm terrible. on one hand, i know that i'm special, i'm unique, because God did a good job creating me. on the other hand, i struggle every other day trying to figure out my purpose in life because i don't see any good in me. i dont think anyone does either.

living in this world is so tiring.. having to keep up is so tiring. i hate it i hate it when people judge each other. you judge someone because you feel like it, because you THINK you're right. and you get upset when others judge you for the same reasons. what is wrong with everyone? i do the exact same thing.. and i'm ashamed. i really am. its been worse since i entered jc. everyone seems to be judging everyone. i actually feel left out when i don't judge. my thoughts scare me now and i want so much to get out of this.. i need to change i must change

loving you seems like the most natural thing to do. it feels like the weirdest thing too.. i cannot place this relationship. and if, a big IF, we ever get into a real relationship, how will things work out? i never wanted more than just friends, i still dont want more than just friends.. but i find myself relenting, the more i think about the complications of this whole thing the more i just want to let go, forget all the factors and live in the moment. this is a whole new experience. you make me happy.. really happy. its been a year and it feels like i know everything about you, yet nothing about you. i dont know if its actually possible to love someone this way.

i'm still waiting. i'm still waiting for the right feeling the kind of feeling they show in movies, describe in books, that kind of love. i dont think i'm anywhere near it yet.. dont think i've ever loved anyone enough yet. thought i experienced it but i was proved wrong. so i'm still waiting.

흔들리지마

2009-08-20T04:18:00.000-07:00

i didnt mean to blow my top at you today. i want so much to say how i feel but i stop myself each time thinking, whats the point? now it seems like there will never be an end to this.. i like you but i don't know what to do.

listen to me, you'll never make it through. its not in your capacity, never was.

i'm struggling to stay the same.

trying my v best not to judge.. but this is really ridiculous. you are a joke. she'll find that out eventually.

i know, you miss all of us ^^

i can't stand seeing you everyday. it pisses me off. you piss me off. its honestly not funny anymore.

its tiring to always have to be the first one to ask you out, the first to ask how're you in a msn convo, the first to call and say i miss you.. and its worse because you seem to have time for everyone else except me, well, except us. its been years. i love you but its not fair and i don't want to play this role anymore.

please save me.

listen to me say

2009-08-03T20:02:00.000-07:00

sorry.. i spend so much time on twitter now i'm too lazy to blog. that picture was last last sat? (i think) outing with sianpei, priscilla and yihua. met hann and mel at expo after that to watch Hillsong United. the music was awesome the speaker was good. wish i could say it was enough for me to start putting God first but.. i dont know. life has been so mundane. i wake up, i go to school. sometimes we'll go shopping.. ok we always go shopping. at ION especially. i currently have $300 in my bank acct.. sigh. and still intending to spend a bomb on kang jin's present.

i know.. should start saving. spend more time studying.. but i feel soo lazy. there was supposed to be class chalet this weekend but we postponed it because of the upcoming exams.. there are exams so often i really dont care anymore. ok i do care, but not as much as before. now, its just, do your work.. if you're too tired, dont do it. if you're too lazy, dont do it. if you dont make promos, its okay.. just go to poly. i have that mindset everyday.. how how how

i feel like my life is going around in circles. feels like i'm always doing the same thing, feeling the same way, experiencing the same things. i dont know if its a bad thing but i dont feel much about anything anymore. i havent cried in a long time ^^ havent felt extremely happy for a long time too.. life is just, life. haha.

i dont know how to be selfish with you.

2009-08-02T07:51:00.001-07:00

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible-when Harry met Sally

2009-07-16T03:39:00.000-07:00

goodbye.

2009-07-11T04:28:00.000-07:00

i dont understand why the world has to be so superficial. why is it that i'm trying so hard to meet everyone's external expectations all the time? what does it matter? what actually matters in this screwed up world where practically everyone behaves like whatever they think or feel is definitely right? even if you know its wrong in the heart of hearts, you do it anyway. why are you so hurtful? why are you so selfish? why do i feel like screaming at the people i love most, the people i'm closest to, as i type these thoughts out? i wish i could do something. i wish i could make you understand. i wish i could tell you how i feel without sounding stupid or overly sensitive. i wish i wasn't afraid. i wish i could stop pretending, stop pretending that i'm alright when i'm not,that i approve of what you're doing when i dont. i wish i was different. i wish i could stop judging people when i'm not that great myself. i wish i knew how to start treating people right, even if we think and behave differently, even when i feel an immediate dislike towards them, because everyone else does. i wish i would stop living for the opinions of others, when all that matters is the opinion of one.

i'm so sick of myself. so fed up.

fickle

2009-06-29T06:13:00.000-07:00

i stopped deleting my messages for like a month back so today i decided to arrange my messages according to contacts and my inbox was filled with 2533 messages from park kang alone >.<

i went... o.O not bad for 2people who barely understand each other. lol!

econs was a bitch today :(

:(

2009-06-28T06:21:00.001-07:00

as of 18july onwards, i'm officially homeless.

and after all this time that you still owe

you're still the good-for-nothing I don't know

so take your gloves and get out

better get out while you can

when you go

would you even turn to say

"I don't love you

Like I did Yesterday"

2009-06-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

why d'ya have to be so cute?

it's impossible to ignore you

must you make me laugh so much

it's bad enough we get along so well

say goodnight and go

2009-06-17T07:50:00.000-07:00

point form about my week because this is going to be lONG.

-everyone seems to want to learn korean these days huh huh must be boys over flowers
i feel really sad that i've got to share hyun joong/ji hoo with so many people when my greatest wish is to marry him seriouslyZ. (this is what i realised over the past week)

-my week was fun but a waste of time track camp was like a chalet we got to stay up till like the wee hours in the morning gossiping without any teacher stalking the campsite like a hawk? ok it wasnt a campsite it was a classroom but my point is, it was so unlike girl guides camp and i loved it hahaha

- i met park kang for 3days in a row because we both had holidays he actually went to the zoo!! and we went to queensway together to buy his shoes i found his shoe size and i think i'm going to get him a pair of shoes for his birthday because he only has ugly track shoes in singapore?!

- visited mel at haji lane on sat together with elisha and we ate organic ice cream at tom's palette? best ice cream in the world.

- sunday i was some triathlon volunteer with track and i sat on a chair under an umbrella for hours saying slow down.. delise was beside me saying turn around & we sounded like a broken record -.- lunch with a few track people after that and i went home slept like pig until ahgong came over with xiaogu to have curry fishhead for dinner. wanted to watch a midnight movie but dad kept insisting there were no midnight movies on sunday and i kept insisting there was so we made a $100 bet and guess who won HAHA we watched ghosts of girlfriends past and i really really liked it okay that was almost the whole of my last week you can see that there is no studying day except for thur with basia at the esplanade which was pretty much a failed attempt cos we spent three hours at lunch not my fault!!

okay this week has been a little more fruitful 4/5 class outing on monday we went botanic gardens we had so much fun playing rounders we decided to meet up regularly at yishun stadium to play hehe astons at night before going to the playground under gwen's house to play crocodile hahaha i really had a lot of fun. & finally met up with lydia yesterday!! i officially started studying today & i'm going to study hard from now onwards kk. k.

other than the times when i sulked and screamed and quarrelled with dad over the moving house issue and sat at the bench under my tower going through every single memory at orchid park wishing we didnt have to go, my week was great.

he said,huh,dont cry,please.
i think you're really really cute.

2009-06-10T03:30:00.001-07:00

so what are you going to do? move into a rental flat for 3months, move again into a house for 3-4years? and then? move again? what does the word home mean then? every house is a piece of investment shit for you. WE NEVER GET TO STAY WHERE WE LIKE. we never get a say. the least you could do was call me before placing a frigging deposit to rent the frigging house? both of you are not the only ones living in it. well, actually, maybe i'm the only one with the objection since i'm a bloody spoilt brat. yea. i should live on my own.

hold me into Your heart,

2009-06-07T07:38:00.009-07:00

i snipped three inches off my hair last night.. ok. the hairdresser did. i feel light and happy and different. so dont tell me it looks the same!! even if it does -.-
gone for three days in frigging schooLL.
so, until then.
BB^^

Jesus, i believe in You.

2009-06-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

you make me feel like puking.

disgusting piece of shit.

you are full of bull.

hope you rot in hell for committing so many sins.

2009-06-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

i love my life.

okay i've a whole lot of plans this june a lot really involves studying k honestly i've got track camp and church camp and class outings ferran is gone gone gone to australia i hope he gets H1N1 for not rotting in singapore with me to study i am kidding seriously!! i've got lots of packing to do LOTS i need to spend more time at home too because i'm moving in july :( okay my past week was really fun i really wanted to blog about hannah's baptism but i kind of forgot the testimonials said at the service already. anyway, bottomline is God is good. so so good.

2009-06-02T06:29:00.000-07:00

you knew how weak i was, you knew i was the one crazy about you, even after that huge lie, you knew i would forgive you. yet you left, you left me to pick up my life, my heart, my future and throw it into the air. i loved you, but i guess that was never enough for you.

2009-05-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

i'm your memory. i'm your heart.

-a moment to remember.

but i'm happy

2009-05-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

101 reasons why it sucks to be me.
everyone knows i dont have 101 reasons, its just to emphasize how much my life sucks.. you get my drift.

1.i am moving house. i've like,absolutely no reason to move. orchid park is my home, the home i lived and spent the best/worse years of my life in??
2.my holidays are not really holidays because i need to go back to school for a week and study for common test for the rest of the month. if i dont study, i'd feel guilty. so what, who wants a guilt ridden holiday, huh.
3. my ipod decided to crash on me last night, and then it decided to repair itself this morning. conclusion? i need a new ipod and it has to come out from MY own pocket.
4.i saw 2korean girls spit on the floor today. okay i know this dosent really have to do with me, but still.. still. koreans?!
5.i'm screwed for gp tomorrow.
6.i spent 69bucks on xxx today and my mum refuses to refund me.
7.I'M NOT GOING OVERSEAS THIS JUNE. i'm sick of singapore, really.
8. i spent 12bucks on swensens today, 10bucks on mfm on monday,8bucks on tcc on sunday,16bucks on marche,15 on sakae,another 15 on some other sushi buffet, 16 on cafe cartel, 10 on astons,12 on buddy hoagies? for the past week. this is like, excluding all the other fast food meals i've had!!
9.i'm poor. very very poor.(refer to point 8 and 6)
10.i think i gained weight.. refer to point 8 please.
11. i havent seen park kang for 3 weeks. except on the field that is.
12. i've been seeing more of ferran than park kang?(ha ha. please dont see this)

p.s. pictures really really soon ok. the others are all in fb.

first time

2009-05-20T07:35:00.001-07:00

i can't decide who i like best so there you go, all of them(:

super reds won against gombak united today. yay.

hehe park kang is so cute he scored a goal and received a red card??

he was all.. very happy today win but red card >.<

now's his pissed off with me for laughing about it hahaha

i honestly love watching his matches makes me feel like i know something bout soccer

anyway there's hockey match tmr so i get to skip track again. i really am horrible. basia and i are horrible. we skipped for like 2 weeks aldry and everytime we skip i'll go eat some nice food. plus i'm broke! spent like $100 on food alone for the past week i think. crap. i'll grow fat and die at this rate.. pinky swear we'll go next monday. ok!! ^^

you caught me completely off guard

사랑할수없다

2009-05-17T07:29:00.001-07:00

i wanted to wait until sarah has finished resizing the pics but shes taking so long and i'm bored!! anyway, we went drinking on friday at boat quay and i got tipsy i really suck cause the rest barely felt anything i did a few stupid things and said a few stupid things but no hangover so i'm happy hehe yesterday was one of the loneliest days i've had in ages though. i spent the whole day alone i went for korean class alone i shopped alone i did homework alone i ate dinner alone :( i ate dinner at buddy hoagies alone!! there were so many families around me and i felt like a freak. but i came home and drowned myself in boys over flowers with my family and everything was better. church today and i met ferran after that. okay gonna sleep now i will put the pictures up for friday night soon kkk

eh no wait do come down to home club on the 23rd cos there's a flea and we're setting up a booth there!!

there you go

2009-05-11T07:17:00.000-07:00

i'm someone who laughs at the slightest thing, someone who can't stay angry at anyone for more than an hour, someone who forgives and forgets easily, someone who does not know how to hate. my name means joy, what else is left of me if i dont know how to be happy? ^^

i'm so disgusted, honestly. how many girls do you want to be happy, huh. i know i'm saying all these out of spite and hurt, and that i'll regret it in the next moment to come. but to hell with that, to hell with everything related to you. i'm so sick of being manipulated by my emotions, so much so that i can hardly control them. i'm so fed up with myself for wasting so much time on you, so FED UP of crying every single night, so fed up of making my family sad because i'm sad. so fed up.. there must be something wrong with me. i spend like hours trying to analyse every last word you said WORDS you probably never meant, words you say for the sake of saying, words you can just blurt out to anyone. i just wish you'll be happy? yuck.

sometimes i'll think, i'll think maybe its my fault, maybe i'm not good enough, all that what ifs and maybes. other times, it'll be like this. me getting all upset and mad, positively sure i was cheated and that you're the worse of all mankind. it feels like shit both ways. ITS ONLY BEEN 3weeks? what are you, honestly? if i could post up all the evidence of everything you've said or done to me, i wonder what the world would say. only you and i know the worse of you in this whole damn relationship. yea, only you and i know the best of you too.. you are so extreme i really dont know which of you is real. how is it possible that anyone can be both if one isnt a facade? you didnt just do this to me. i wonder if you tell them what you lied to me about for a year, i wonder if you'll carry on the lie to the next person that comes along too. i really wonder.

what i'm doing, what i'm feeling now, its all stupid stupid stupid. its me giving in to my emotions again. AND ITS LIKE I NEVER FULFILL WHAT I SWORE IN MY MIND TO DO? i'm fully aware, aware that i'm very spiteful, that i should be forgiving and that i may just be overreacting, but it feels like, it feels like i've got absolutely no control

2009-05-07T06:28:00.000-07:00

What I want from us

Is empty our minds

We fake a fuss

And fracture the times

We go blind

When we've needed to see

And it leans on me

Like a rootless...

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you

And all we've been through

I said leave it, leave it, leave it

It's nothing to you

And if you hate me, hate me, hate me

Then hate me so good that you can let me out

Let me out of this hell when you're around

Let me out, let me out,

Let me out of this hell when you're around

Let me out, let me out

2009-05-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

sarah yip is a bitch and she dresses like a slut!

you picked me

2009-05-05T05:44:00.000-07:00

One, two, three
Counting out the signs we see
The tall buildings
Fading in the distance
Only dots on a map
Four, five, six
The two of us a perfect fit
You're all mine, all mine

And all I can say
Is you blow me away

Like an apple on a tree
Hiding out behind the leaves
I was difficult to reach
But you picked me
Like a shell upon a beach
Just another pretty piece
I was difficult to see
But you picked me
Yeah you picked me

So softly
Rain against the windows
And the strong coffee
Warming up my fingers
In this fisherman's house
You got me
Searched the sand
And climbed the tree
And brought me back down

And all I can say
Is you blow me away

Like an apple on a tree
Hiding out behind the leaves
I was difficult to reach
But you picked me
Like a shell upon a beach
Just another pretty piece
I was difficult to see
But you picked me
Yeah you picked me

should've known you'd bring me heartache

2009-05-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

sianpei obviously came over eariler.. i was such a wreck. tear-stained face, greasy hair, specs, and in the attire i went to sleep with last night. this is what happens to shermaine tan when she stays home alone for more than half a day. i was moping around my room.. trying not to think trying not to feel upset trying hard to distract myself. i didnt even finish my e learning. this is pathetic but i cant stand being alone anymore its like i've to keep being around someone to feel safe. anyway, sianpei and i did some clearing. i went through everything i used to had with kj and everything he wrote and DIDNT FULFILL, dumped it in a plastic bag and threw it all away today. i deleted whatever pictures there was in my computer i blocked and deleted his contact off msn this is supposed to be a freakng achievement but i dont feel any better. i wonder what will. the first time he ditched me i tried being a bitch was all revengeful but it didnt work out it didnt make me feel good either this time i'm gonna try shutting out the existence of him in of my life. i'm a tiny bit glad that we're moving, so i wouldnt have to go thru the pains of walking through my condo every night and imagining both of us sitting at the bench near the playground near the pool i'll miss park kang and super reds like crazy but i can always visit. so okay, moving will be good. i've to start getting used to changes because i truely understand now how things and people can change so fast,change so much.

i'm glad i've got God. i'll just have to keep thinking.. i'm not alone i wouldnt be alone i'm in right hands tell myself everything will be okay because i've got Him. what else can i possibly ask for.. He'll give me whats best for me, all i have to do is wait. wait. i'm not going to pretend i'm happy now but i'm not going to spend time moping about and degrading myself wishing this hadnt happen to me anymore. be strong shermaine, be strong. its terribly hard now, but i will make it, i will make it.

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMUEL, I LOVE YOU(:

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that Easy to walk right in and out of my life?

wasting too much

2009-05-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

my new home? its just a part of it but the whole place is really gorgeous its at serangoon and its near my school its near chomp chomp its right next to the new mrt ohman i think i fell in love with the house already. i really hope dad manages to get it!!

1314

2009-05-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

i think this weekend made up for the days i skipped my meals. buddy hoagies on thursday,breeks yesterday, japanese food at cityhall today. meeting mel, hann, py for dinner tmr as well!! heehe

i havent been studying but i'm not feeling guilty. i'll catch up sometime soon when i'm up for it and if i dont, God will provide(: & i can always go poly next year >.<

my family and i are having this huge fight over where to move to. kns. i want them to get another unit in orchid park. my sis wants to move into a flat, i want a condo and its not because i'm more spoilt! my bro wants to live at amk ok we all want to live at amk cos its near everywhere but the condos there r v expensive i think.. SUCKS. all this hassle and for what?? i wouldve stayed at orchid park forever -unless theres a chance for me to live in korea.

every memory of you, etched in my mind.

p.s. to xxx: please come online soon!! ^^

i'm really sorry

2009-04-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

I LOST MY AUDREY HEPBURN PENCIL CASE.

IF ANYONE HAPPENS TO SEE IT, PLEASE RETURN OK.

i'm moving house in 3months time. i hate it, i really hate it. 5years in Orchid Park. 5years of solid memories. i don't understand why we have to move. sucks to be the daughter of a property agent. sucks to be me. i'm gonna put up this v v emo post about Orchid Park and all the lovely times i've spent there with so many people i'll frigging miss my room crap i'll miss so much :( i really dont want to move.

my life is supposed to be sucky but i'm feeling happy now and i dont know why ha ha okay going for a picnic with og now!!! pictures soon for the whole weekend!

love^^

you could be happy

2009-04-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

this was yesterday.. we played murderer under the void deck. haha. i love 4/5. i'm so tired.. met cherie around midnight at the airport to study. she spent the whole night with me and if we count the sleeping time, she spent the whole of today with me too. love you okay. anyway, intermediate korean class started today. there's this angmoh guy attending the class heehee my new teacher was crap the whole lesson wasnt even fruitful i thought we spent most of the time listening to her weird jokes instead >.<

i feel like the living dead. i'm so so tired. i havent been eating the last time i remembered eating breakfast or lunch was 5days ago? and i cant seem to finish my dinner either. i'm sorry for acting this way. i'm sorry for being so weak, i really am trying. give me more time.. i know you love me, i know all of you love me. i'll pick myself up again, i promise. i just need a little more time.

You could be happy and I won't know

But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said

Are played on loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were

But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure

I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are

You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you

And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to

Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go

2009-04-17T03:10:00.000-07:00

i need to breathe.. i need to calm myself down and breathe. you arent doing me any good. this isnt doing me any good. i've never felt this way and it gets worse, it keeps getting worse.

it'll be okay

2009-04-01T02:30:00.000-07:00

ask me online if any of you want the speech day pictures and can't get it on facebook. i'm too lazy to upload all!!!

all glory to You

2009-03-26T05:42:00.000-07:00

i have a lot of thoughts in my mind right now.. and i really want to spill them out. i'm sitting here all sweaty from track and not bathed HA HA with my PI for project work due tomorrow!! but nevermind that.. i need this.

sajc has not been very nice to me. truth is, i cannot stand my class.

i know i chosed this school over masscomm, i know i should be thankful because i had choices. plenty of them. the thing is, i wake up every morning and ask myself, what are you doing. why are you even here. lots and lots of what ifs. i called ngeeann up yesterday to ask if it was alright to go for an interview. they don't accept anymore applications :( i'm holding on by faith alone. seriously. i can get close to tears during school simply because i cannot fit in. they are all surface friends.. and its so hard because 4/5 used to be wonderful. they tell me that i need time, but at this rate, i dont really see how i can relate to them or even go beyond the surface. its not like i didn't try.. its. i dont know. WE JUST CANNOT CLICK. and its not the no i dont trust you enough because i dont know you yet kinda thing, but the i really have nothing much to say to you kind of thing!! sighh i really am dreading these two years with the class..

about holding on by faith alone, i guess its true, that i'm struggling so as to fulfill Your purpose for me in this school. mold me then, give me strength. i cannot do this on my own.

you make me happy everyday. i love you(:

2009-03-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

ha HA okk my week was awesome i wish i had all the time in the world to put up a picture post for the whole week but seriously!! school is driving me crazy.. i will when i have the time.

ok goodnight to all the nice koreans in the world..

ok.. goodnight ^^

2009-03-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

you're such a pain in the ass.

영원히

2009-03-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

msas are over!!! i spent the whole of today making up for the lost time i had during msas. met kj we had newyorknewyork-all the glorious food i missed stuck in school all day. shopped and shopped signed up for the korean intermediate at cambridge which cost a bomb #%#& i bought a english korean dictionary there is something very wrong with me i consider it to be my best buy among everything i bought today including clothes very weird. >.<

met hann, py, mel for dinner at buddy hoagies before they came over. we spent the whole time doing nothing but it was so much fun anyway wished i was in ytss all over again :( okay i am kidding, i just miss everyone so much.

okay church tomorrow and i'm meeting park kang its 2am!! goodnight ^^

selling

2009-03-10T05:03:00.000-07:00

~~selling: Gold Etched Lady Briefcase.~~

~~brand new from UO.~~

~~bought at $40, excluding shipping fees.~~

~~quote a price!~~

~~mail me at sweetheaven_maine@hotmail.com~~

2009-03-07T08:08:00.001-08:00

i swear, if you don't make amends, i'm never ever going to talk to you again.

tonight

2009-02-28T03:35:00.000-08:00

i'm so so busy i hardly have time to blog all jc's fault, all jc's fault!! i joined track its 3times a week and for every other day when i dont have track i'll be aching lit sucks because its so hard econs sucks too.. ok you know what all of my subjects suck because they are subjects!!! >.<

yesterday i went to watch he's just not that into you with jannah, sianpei, matthew, jingkai, yihua. oh i loved it ha ha like all chickflicks, a happy ending ^^

ok.. bye.

p.s i miss 4e5 terribly.

2009-02-12T20:11:00.000-08:00

hi this is shermaine here at school using the computer half an hour left before going to sentosa with og 22.. i've got a lot of things to blog about but first i'll say park kang is back!! there are like 5koreans in our school including one whos stayed in spore for 13years and looks like a pure singaporean chinese heeeheee so happy today update sometime soon with pics tara!!!

2009-02-04T03:18:00.000-08:00

Vienna - Billy Joel

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong

But you know you can't always see when you're right
You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook
And disappeaar for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you.

2009-01-30T00:13:00.000-08:00

i can't believe i wished i had black hair when i was 8. because now at 17, black hair for the first time in my life, i hate it. i am the perfect look for any, i mean any, horror movie. i didn't have a choice.. stupid me for dyeing my natural brown in the first place. ohgod.

selflessness

2009-01-27T20:24:00.000-08:00

as much as i love visiting, receiving angbaos and eating, cny this year was so tiring. for ahma especially. she hurt her thumb from all that cooking for two days in a row. i'm so proud to be her granddaughter because out of practically all the elders i know, she's the only one who takes so much pride in her cooking.. even at the age of 80 odd. we're lucky because every year at her place, we get to eat abalone, sharkfin, meesua and all the delicious food she prepares by herself. all that effort.. just so we can have a good meal every cny.

looking at her weary face yesterday made me realise a lot. i cannot regret.. i cannot end up like that, regretting about our lost time when its her turn to leave this earth. my grandparents are really important to me. whats left to do now is to cherish them, cherish her. in time to come, there'll be so much memories of us together that i'd be contented, even when they're gone.

ok. on a lighter note, i still want my grandparents to live for a long long time. so touch wood if this post meant that my grandparents may not to be around soon!!!!

i dont want to chose.

2009-01-20T06:07:00.000-08:00

take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house.
buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead.
tell her something true when all she's known are lies.
tell her God loves her.
tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses.
all these things are true. We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless.
we don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers.
we won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way.
we were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

-To Write Love On Her Arms by Jamie Tworkowski

2009-01-17T07:50:00.001-08:00

kbox today was v v fun loved it love kianru and xinyi ^^

i have to say this.. park kang jin is coming back this season. i want him to come back and save me from this korean language mess i'm in. i never thought i did say this but korean sucks. sucks because its so hard.. and i'm shitty at it. i'm going to take forever to master it but i won't give up because i really really want to speak korean.

thats the good news.
the bad news is, i'm prob going for jc. its either ac or sa. i cannot believe it.. a week or so left to the end of my holidays. while the lucky poly kids start school in april. monday was my last day of work. i had something somewhat close to the Last Supper at mfm on fri. they had a opening at the new outlet in j8 and everything was free for the staff. our bill amounted to about $300. 7 of us. i'll miss the entire crew.
i'll miss.. i'll miss everybody at school. i can't imagine studying in a new environment without all of you. i love 4/5. i love mel, py and hann. and the rest.. practically everyone in class. plus shaunice, xinyi, kianru, lydia, afiqah, beryl.

p.s. i fell into a drain today on my way home and it was terrible cos i was just texting xinyi a few moments ago to be careful on her way home!!

what hurts is that i can imagine you laughing away cracking all the jokes you used to crack with me with your friends and other girls while i'm hurting back at home trying to nurse the wounds you left me with. i never quite got over that. i thought about you day and night, tried to find ways to talk to you without seeming desperate, wanted to hurt you back, twice as hard as the way you did to me, go out with guys and compare them to you. so what if you'll never do that again? the damage was done. and its not like i didn't try, what you used to do comes back in different forms to haunt me.

2009-01-12T05:22:00.000-08:00

l1r5: 10points raw.

all credit to God really(:

except i'm in a dilemma now. poly or jc.

sigh.

i hate decisions.

its funny, the way things turn out.

2009-01-11T03:08:00.000-08:00

my Jesus.

God's precious sacrifice.

our hopes and expectations

2009-01-08T04:36:00.000-08:00

nightmares every night. different scenes. murder. prison. its terrifying.. i wonder if its because results are going to be released soon. three days from today. i think its the after part that i'm afraid of. i dont know where to go.

i think i've been wasting my holidays away. work and spend, work and spend. what i really want to do is fly to korea now. of course my perfect plans include park kang. today peiying stole a korean coin from the coin box at mfm for me!! lol! i was v proud of myself because i was able to read out the words inscribed on the coin within a second. v soon, v soon i'd be speaking like a korean. happy me ^^

okay v v tired. my usual routine now. learn korean before sleep.. and read the bible. goodnightz.

i'll stand by you

2009-01-03T07:23:00.000-08:00

i decided on my first new year resolution today. i had supper with my family at one of the coffeeshops in angmokio and there was this old man. he was limping and we could tell from the way he speaks that he was a little mentally unsound. he was not working as a cleaner but he kept picking up all the litter around with his bare hands. i thought it was really stupid since he wouldnt even be paid. i dont know i suppose it was the way he acted his unkempt appearance the kind laughter he had when i asked him why he was picking up the litter. something tugged at the heartstrings.. mum offered to give him money. my money.. >.< but. still. it made me feel a whole lot better.

looking at him reminded me of all the other people around who's plight could be worse than him. also made me extremely guilty for splurging on food/clothes for the past 2weeks. today was cafe cartel, it was the 6th restaurant i had dine at for the past 14days!! so this year, i'm going to do charity work. by my own initiative. i can't make a resolution to be thrifty >.< i'd fail terribly. i said 2009 will change me positively. it will. its starting to..

p.s. i love you cherie this is for you 2. you can't blame ignorance ^^

anew

2009-01-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

real love amounts to withholding the truth,
even when you're offered the perfect opportunity,
to hurt someone's feelings.