never knew i would end up talking about you.. i just read somewhere that it was important to be yourself because if you did something just to "get" someone and then change or stop trying, things wouldn't work out. i can safely say i'm better now though.. i'm a lot more secure, i trust more and i'm trying because i want to. not because i need to make myself more desirable but because i want to. you make me want to do good, to make you happy and show you that i'm good for you. i'm not going to think too hard about us or about whether we're gonna work out i'm just going to let myself be happy with you. all these lonely nights without you.. its not that bad. i know you're worth waiting for.

i don't know where to begin. if its okay to not know how to express your feelings, is it okay to not know your feelings? i don't know where to start. i don't know what to say. but if i didn't pen this down, if i didn't acknowledge the existence of my thoughts, i might just sink from the weight of these feelings. if there's one thing that hasn't changed about me and my life, it would be my capacity to feel. i still feel as much as before. in different ways, about different things. but i still feel, i still feel it all.

i don't feel like i'm up for it. my mind is boggled with emotions. anxiety. fear. inferiority. apprehension. it all boils down to the fact that i'm not ready. will i ever be?

dont hold your breath cause we've already been here
there are trees to remember you by
these trees are cold but they're anticipating
the sun is gonna give the kiss of life

^^

i can't believe its going to be christmas in 2 days. time passes so fast! i'm really excited about christmas this year, even though i couldnt convince anyone to buy a christmas tree for me. its so unfair that people living in some other countries get to use real coniferous trees for christmas and i can't even get a fake one. i'm really getting into the festive mood. i think this is the first year i actually wrap presents for people on my own :P i'm spending christmas morning in hann's church, lunch at ahma's house and dinner with kang jin. poor boy is bummed about the fact that his missing a white christmas in korea. The last time they had a white christmas was when he was 14 ha ha now he is 21 and he is spending christmas in singapore with me!! Its really hard getting into the mood for christmas in Singapore because its so hot, it never snows and all we have are fake christmas trees. but its been like these for me for 17 years so i'll just have to make do~ christmas is my favourite time of the year, i can't wait ^^