약속

an awful lot of thoughts is going through my mind right now..
actually, i've been staring at the screen for the past half an hour trying to figure out how to best express my thoughts and feelings for the past month in words. i'm trying to organize my thoughts and reasons for such thoughts in order.. truth is, i don't know whats up with me either.

i don't know what to do about my self-esteem. i feel like there's no hope in life, in my life, that i'm heading nowhere, no purpose, no plan, no future. everyone else around me seems to be much better off. every little thing affects me. it piles up and piles up and i can't help making a big deal out of everything. its not that i stress myself too much. i'm not even doing work. i'm just living day by day and i can't deal with it. i want something more, i want my life to be more than this. i need God i need God. He is the answer to my questions and thoughts, i've this pillar to rely on, this shelter.. so why do i still feel so afraid, why do i still feel the need to please others? why do i hate myself so much? i wish things would be better, i wish i wasnt made this way, i wish i had this, i wish i had that, i wish i was anyone but me. discontentment. i've been like this all my life and its getting worse.. its not like i didn't try. i tell myself i'm lucky, i inject positive thoughts into my mind. but its so hard. esp when you've to face the shit feelings i feel almost everyday. i honestly believe that i'm terrible. on one hand, i know that i'm special, i'm unique, because God did a good job creating me. on the other hand, i struggle every other day trying to figure out my purpose in life because i don't see any good in me. i dont think anyone does either.

living in this world is so tiring.. having to keep up is so tiring. i hate it i hate it when people judge each other. you judge someone because you feel like it, because you THINK you're right. and you get upset when others judge you for the same reasons. what is wrong with everyone? i do the exact same thing.. and i'm ashamed. i really am. its been worse since i entered jc. everyone seems to be judging everyone. i actually feel left out when i don't judge. my thoughts scare me now and i want so much to get out of this.. i need to change i must change

loving you seems like the most natural thing to do. it feels like the weirdest thing too.. i cannot place this relationship. and if, a big IF, we ever get into a real relationship, how will things work out? i never wanted more than just friends, i still dont want more than just friends.. but i find myself relenting, the more i think about the complications of this whole thing the more i just want to let go, forget all the factors and live in the moment. this is a whole new experience. you make me happy.. really happy. its been a year and it feels like i know everything about you, yet nothing about you. i dont know if its actually possible to love someone this way.

i'm still waiting. i'm still waiting for the right feeling the kind of feeling they show in movies, describe in books, that kind of love. i dont think i'm anywhere near it yet.. dont think i've ever loved anyone enough yet. thought i experienced it but i was proved wrong. so i'm still waiting.