there you go

i'm someone who laughs at the slightest thing, someone who can't stay angry at anyone for more than an hour, someone who forgives and forgets easily, someone who does not know how to hate. my name means joy, what else is left of me if i dont know how to be happy? ^^

i'm so disgusted, honestly. how many girls do you want to be happy, huh. i know i'm saying all these out of spite and hurt, and that i'll regret it in the next moment to come. but to hell with that, to hell with everything related to you. i'm so sick of being manipulated by my emotions, so much so that i can hardly control them. i'm so fed up with myself for wasting so much time on you, so FED UP of crying every single night, so fed up of making my family sad because i'm sad. so fed up.. there must be something wrong with me. i spend like hours trying to analyse every last word you said WORDS you probably never meant, words you say for the sake of saying, words you can just blurt out to anyone. i just wish you'll be happy? yuck.

sometimes i'll think, i'll think maybe its my fault, maybe i'm not good enough, all that what ifs and maybes. other times, it'll be like this. me getting all upset and mad, positively sure i was cheated and that you're the worse of all mankind. it feels like shit both ways. ITS ONLY BEEN 3weeks? what are you, honestly? if i could post up all the evidence of everything you've said or done to me, i wonder what the world would say. only you and i know the worse of you in this whole damn relationship. yea, only you and i know the best of you too.. you are so extreme i really dont know which of you is real. how is it possible that anyone can be both if one isnt a facade? you didnt just do this to me. i wonder if you tell them what you lied to me about for a year, i wonder if you'll carry on the lie to the next person that comes along too. i really wonder.

what i'm doing, what i'm feeling now, its all stupid stupid stupid. its me giving in to my emotions again. AND ITS LIKE I NEVER FULFILL WHAT I SWORE IN MY MIND TO DO? i'm fully aware, aware that i'm very spiteful, that i should be forgiving and that i may just be overreacting, but it feels like, it feels like i've got absolutely no control