i'm glad kang jin is the only player in his team left in Singapore and that he is only leaving on the 1st of dec and coming back on the 15th ^^ i'm not supposed to be happy because he is really lonely but he spends all his free time with me now hahaha. i think we kind of ran out of tourist places to go. so far, we've been to sentosa, night safari, singapore flyer and chinese garden. i think i'm an awesome tour guide :P i do everything because he sucks at english. hehe but we're trying really hard and i think we're at the heart-to-heart talk stage already. we converse in broken english and korean. i need to study korean harder :( and when we dont talk, we spend most of our time trying to piss each other off. he is the most violent guy(to me) i've ever met. i guess its true, korean guys are violent. he also has the cutest personality^^ love spending time with him so i'm just v v happy he didnt and isnt going to leave Singapore for 3 months.

maybe its time for me to change.

“ I just don’t know if i wanna do it anymore, get close to somebody so they can leave again. ”

- One Tree Hill

you're an amazing guy, really. we dont even need to communicate effectively for me to know it. the last person i ever want to hurt is you. because you dont deserve anything like that, you dont deserve all the sadness or pain you've experienced. i want to be there for you, i want to make you happy, except i dont think its up to me. i dont think i've the capacity. i'm afraid that all i'll do is lead you on. i dont even know what i want for myself. how can i love anyone?

i wonder what you tell her. i wonder if they're the same things you used to tell me. i wonder if i still cross your mind when you're with her

i haven't logged in for so long i had to try a few passwords before i was able to log in :P

i've been shopping the whole week its time for me to catch up with all my friends but i dont think i've met anyone except sarah, si min and kang jin after promos ended :/ the ones in jc are busy mugging now and the ones in poly are either overseas or working :( i need to meet everyone!! i havent met mel, py and hann in ages >.< i'm going to meet lydia and zengan next week oh heehee i think i'm going to meet everyone next week. next week will be a good week^^ hahaha anyway i hope everyone end their promos and everyone overseas will come back soon so we can all meet up.

i'm not so emo now. i think studying really makes me feel like my life is 100 times worse than it actually is. i think i'd pretty badly for promos but thats okay, i did my best and if i dont do well enough to promote, i'll just go to poly next year with sarah :P i've been really happy slacking. i just napped finish :/ went to the night safari with kang jin last night and i felt like a tourist^^
okay i want to go to all the tourist places in singapore with him so i can pretend i'm korean hahaha :P

약속

an awful lot of thoughts is going through my mind right now..
actually, i've been staring at the screen for the past half an hour trying to figure out how to best express my thoughts and feelings for the past month in words. i'm trying to organize my thoughts and reasons for such thoughts in order.. truth is, i don't know whats up with me either.

i don't know what to do about my self-esteem. i feel like there's no hope in life, in my life, that i'm heading nowhere, no purpose, no plan, no future. everyone else around me seems to be much better off. every little thing affects me. it piles up and piles up and i can't help making a big deal out of everything. its not that i stress myself too much. i'm not even doing work. i'm just living day by day and i can't deal with it. i want something more, i want my life to be more than this. i need God i need God. He is the answer to my questions and thoughts, i've this pillar to rely on, this shelter.. so why do i still feel so afraid, why do i still feel the need to please others? why do i hate myself so much? i wish things would be better, i wish i wasnt made this way, i wish i had this, i wish i had that, i wish i was anyone but me. discontentment. i've been like this all my life and its getting worse.. its not like i didn't try. i tell myself i'm lucky, i inject positive thoughts into my mind. but its so hard. esp when you've to face the shit feelings i feel almost everyday. i honestly believe that i'm terrible. on one hand, i know that i'm special, i'm unique, because God did a good job creating me. on the other hand, i struggle every other day trying to figure out my purpose in life because i don't see any good in me. i dont think anyone does either.

living in this world is so tiring.. having to keep up is so tiring. i hate it i hate it when people judge each other. you judge someone because you feel like it, because you THINK you're right. and you get upset when others judge you for the same reasons. what is wrong with everyone? i do the exact same thing.. and i'm ashamed. i really am. its been worse since i entered jc. everyone seems to be judging everyone. i actually feel left out when i don't judge. my thoughts scare me now and i want so much to get out of this.. i need to change i must change

loving you seems like the most natural thing to do. it feels like the weirdest thing too.. i cannot place this relationship. and if, a big IF, we ever get into a real relationship, how will things work out? i never wanted more than just friends, i still dont want more than just friends.. but i find myself relenting, the more i think about the complications of this whole thing the more i just want to let go, forget all the factors and live in the moment. this is a whole new experience. you make me happy.. really happy. its been a year and it feels like i know everything about you, yet nothing about you. i dont know if its actually possible to love someone this way.

i'm still waiting. i'm still waiting for the right feeling the kind of feeling they show in movies, describe in books, that kind of love. i dont think i'm anywhere near it yet.. dont think i've ever loved anyone enough yet. thought i experienced it but i was proved wrong. so i'm still waiting.