i can't believe i wished i had black hair when i was 8. because now at 17, black hair for the first time in my life, i hate it. i am the perfect look for any, i mean any, horror movie. i didn't have a choice.. stupid me for dyeing my natural brown in the first place. ohgod.

selflessness

as much as i love visiting, receiving angbaos and eating, cny this year was so tiring. for ahma especially. she hurt her thumb from all that cooking for two days in a row. i'm so proud to be her granddaughter because out of practically all the elders i know, she's the only one who takes so much pride in her cooking.. even at the age of 80 odd. we're lucky because every year at her place, we get to eat abalone, sharkfin, meesua and all the delicious food she prepares by herself. all that effort.. just so we can have a good meal every cny.

looking at her weary face yesterday made me realise a lot. i cannot regret.. i cannot end up like that, regretting about our lost time when its her turn to leave this earth. my grandparents are really important to me. whats left to do now is to cherish them, cherish her. in time to come, there'll be so much memories of us together that i'd be contented, even when they're gone.

ok. on a lighter note, i still want my grandparents to live for a long long time. so touch wood if this post meant that my grandparents may not to be around soon!!!!

i dont want to chose.

take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house.
buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead.
tell her something true when all she's known are lies.
tell her God loves her.
tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses.
all these things are true. We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless.
we don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers.
we won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way.
we were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

-To Write Love On Her Arms by Jamie Tworkowski

kbox today was v v fun loved it love kianru and xinyi ^^

i have to say this.. park kang jin is coming back this season. i want him to come back and save me from this korean language mess i'm in. i never thought i did say this but korean sucks. sucks because its so hard.. and i'm shitty at it. i'm going to take forever to master it but i won't give up because i really really want to speak korean.

thats the good news.
the bad news is, i'm prob going for jc. its either ac or sa. i cannot believe it.. a week or so left to the end of my holidays. while the lucky poly kids start school in april. monday was my last day of work. i had something somewhat close to the Last Supper at mfm on fri. they had a opening at the new outlet in j8 and everything was free for the staff. our bill amounted to about $300. 7 of us. i'll miss the entire crew.
i'll miss.. i'll miss everybody at school. i can't imagine studying in a new environment without all of you. i love 4/5. i love mel, py and hann. and the rest.. practically everyone in class. plus shaunice, xinyi, kianru, lydia, afiqah, beryl.

p.s. i fell into a drain today on my way home and it was terrible cos i was just texting xinyi a few moments ago to be careful on her way home!!

what hurts is that i can imagine you laughing away cracking all the jokes you used to crack with me with your friends and other girls while i'm hurting back at home trying to nurse the wounds you left me with. i never quite got over that. i thought about you day and night, tried to find ways to talk to you without seeming desperate, wanted to hurt you back, twice as hard as the way you did to me, go out with guys and compare them to you. so what if you'll never do that again? the damage was done. and its not like i didn't try, what you used to do comes back in different forms to haunt me.

l1r5: 10points raw.

all credit to God really(:

except i'm in a dilemma now. poly or jc.

sigh.

i hate decisions.

its funny, the way things turn out.

my Jesus.

God's precious sacrifice.

our hopes and expectations

nightmares every night. different scenes. murder. prison. its terrifying.. i wonder if its because results are going to be released soon. three days from today. i think its the after part that i'm afraid of. i dont know where to go.

i think i've been wasting my holidays away. work and spend, work and spend. what i really want to do is fly to korea now. of course my perfect plans include park kang. today peiying stole a korean coin from the coin box at mfm for me!! lol! i was v proud of myself because i was able to read out the words inscribed on the coin within a second. v soon, v soon i'd be speaking like a korean. happy me ^^

okay v v tired. my usual routine now. learn korean before sleep.. and read the bible. goodnightz.

i'll stand by you

i decided on my first new year resolution today. i had supper with my family at one of the coffeeshops in angmokio and there was this old man. he was limping and we could tell from the way he speaks that he was a little mentally unsound. he was not working as a cleaner but he kept picking up all the litter around with his bare hands. i thought it was really stupid since he wouldnt even be paid. i dont know i suppose it was the way he acted his unkempt appearance the kind laughter he had when i asked him why he was picking up the litter. something tugged at the heartstrings.. mum offered to give him money. my money.. >.< but. still. it made me feel a whole lot better.

looking at him reminded me of all the other people around who's plight could be worse than him. also made me extremely guilty for splurging on food/clothes for the past 2weeks. today was cafe cartel, it was the 6th restaurant i had dine at for the past 14days!! so this year, i'm going to do charity work. by my own initiative. i can't make a resolution to be thrifty >.< i'd fail terribly. i said 2009 will change me positively. it will. its starting to..

p.s. i love you cherie this is for you 2. you can't blame ignorance ^^

anew

real love amounts to withholding the truth,
even when you're offered the perfect opportunity,
to hurt someone's feelings.