never knew i would end up talking about you.. i just read somewhere that it was important to be yourself because if you did something just to "get" someone and then change or stop trying, things wouldn't work out. i can safely say i'm better now though.. i'm a lot more secure, i trust more and i'm trying because i want to. not because i need to make myself more desirable but because i want to. you make me want to do good, to make you happy and show you that i'm good for you. i'm not going to think too hard about us or about whether we're gonna work out i'm just going to let myself be happy with you. all these lonely nights without you.. its not that bad. i know you're worth waiting for.

i don't know where to begin. if its okay to not know how to express your feelings, is it okay to not know your feelings? i don't know where to start. i don't know what to say. but if i didn't pen this down, if i didn't acknowledge the existence of my thoughts, i might just sink from the weight of these feelings. if there's one thing that hasn't changed about me and my life, it would be my capacity to feel. i still feel as much as before. in different ways, about different things. but i still feel, i still feel it all.

i don't feel like i'm up for it. my mind is boggled with emotions. anxiety. fear. inferiority. apprehension. it all boils down to the fact that i'm not ready. will i ever be?

dont hold your breath cause we've already been here
there are trees to remember you by
these trees are cold but they're anticipating
the sun is gonna give the kiss of life

^^

i can't believe its going to be christmas in 2 days. time passes so fast! i'm really excited about christmas this year, even though i couldnt convince anyone to buy a christmas tree for me. its so unfair that people living in some other countries get to use real coniferous trees for christmas and i can't even get a fake one. i'm really getting into the festive mood. i think this is the first year i actually wrap presents for people on my own :P i'm spending christmas morning in hann's church, lunch at ahma's house and dinner with kang jin. poor boy is bummed about the fact that his missing a white christmas in korea. The last time they had a white christmas was when he was 14 ha ha now he is 21 and he is spending christmas in singapore with me!! Its really hard getting into the mood for christmas in Singapore because its so hot, it never snows and all we have are fake christmas trees. but its been like these for me for 17 years so i'll just have to make do~ christmas is my favourite time of the year, i can't wait ^^

“ I just don’t know if i wanna do it anymore, get close to somebody so they can leave again. ”

- One Tree Hill

you're an amazing guy, really. we dont even need to communicate effectively for me to know it. the last person i ever want to hurt is you. because you dont deserve anything like that, you dont deserve all the sadness or pain you've experienced. i want to be there for you, i want to make you happy, except i dont think its up to me. i dont think i've the capacity. i'm afraid that all i'll do is lead you on. i dont even know what i want for myself. how can i love anyone?

i wonder what you tell her. i wonder if they're the same things you used to tell me. i wonder if i still cross your mind when you're with her

i haven't logged in for so long i had to try a few passwords before i was able to log in :P

i've been shopping the whole week its time for me to catch up with all my friends but i dont think i've met anyone except sarah, si min and kang jin after promos ended :/ the ones in jc are busy mugging now and the ones in poly are either overseas or working :( i need to meet everyone!! i havent met mel, py and hann in ages >.< i'm going to meet lydia and zengan next week oh heehee i think i'm going to meet everyone next week. next week will be a good week^^ hahaha anyway i hope everyone end their promos and everyone overseas will come back soon so we can all meet up.

i'm not so emo now. i think studying really makes me feel like my life is 100 times worse than it actually is. i think i'd pretty badly for promos but thats okay, i did my best and if i dont do well enough to promote, i'll just go to poly next year with sarah :P i've been really happy slacking. i just napped finish :/ went to the night safari with kang jin last night and i felt like a tourist^^
okay i want to go to all the tourist places in singapore with him so i can pretend i'm korean hahaha :P

약속

an awful lot of thoughts is going through my mind right now..
actually, i've been staring at the screen for the past half an hour trying to figure out how to best express my thoughts and feelings for the past month in words. i'm trying to organize my thoughts and reasons for such thoughts in order.. truth is, i don't know whats up with me either.

i don't know what to do about my self-esteem. i feel like there's no hope in life, in my life, that i'm heading nowhere, no purpose, no plan, no future. everyone else around me seems to be much better off. every little thing affects me. it piles up and piles up and i can't help making a big deal out of everything. its not that i stress myself too much. i'm not even doing work. i'm just living day by day and i can't deal with it. i want something more, i want my life to be more than this. i need God i need God. He is the answer to my questions and thoughts, i've this pillar to rely on, this shelter.. so why do i still feel so afraid, why do i still feel the need to please others? why do i hate myself so much? i wish things would be better, i wish i wasnt made this way, i wish i had this, i wish i had that, i wish i was anyone but me. discontentment. i've been like this all my life and its getting worse.. its not like i didn't try. i tell myself i'm lucky, i inject positive thoughts into my mind. but its so hard. esp when you've to face the shit feelings i feel almost everyday. i honestly believe that i'm terrible. on one hand, i know that i'm special, i'm unique, because God did a good job creating me. on the other hand, i struggle every other day trying to figure out my purpose in life because i don't see any good in me. i dont think anyone does either.

living in this world is so tiring.. having to keep up is so tiring. i hate it i hate it when people judge each other. you judge someone because you feel like it, because you THINK you're right. and you get upset when others judge you for the same reasons. what is wrong with everyone? i do the exact same thing.. and i'm ashamed. i really am. its been worse since i entered jc. everyone seems to be judging everyone. i actually feel left out when i don't judge. my thoughts scare me now and i want so much to get out of this.. i need to change i must change

loving you seems like the most natural thing to do. it feels like the weirdest thing too.. i cannot place this relationship. and if, a big IF, we ever get into a real relationship, how will things work out? i never wanted more than just friends, i still dont want more than just friends.. but i find myself relenting, the more i think about the complications of this whole thing the more i just want to let go, forget all the factors and live in the moment. this is a whole new experience. you make me happy.. really happy. its been a year and it feels like i know everything about you, yet nothing about you. i dont know if its actually possible to love someone this way.

i'm still waiting. i'm still waiting for the right feeling the kind of feeling they show in movies, describe in books, that kind of love. i dont think i'm anywhere near it yet.. dont think i've ever loved anyone enough yet. thought i experienced it but i was proved wrong. so i'm still waiting.

흔들리지마

i didnt mean to blow my top at you today. i want so much to say how i feel but i stop myself each time thinking, whats the point? now it seems like there will never be an end to this.. i like you but i don't know what to do.

listen to me, you'll never make it through. its not in your capacity, never was.

i'm struggling to stay the same.

trying my v best not to judge.. but this is really ridiculous. you are a joke. she'll find that out eventually.

i know, you miss all of us ^^

i can't stand seeing you everyday. it pisses me off. you piss me off. its honestly not funny anymore.

its tiring to always have to be the first one to ask you out, the first to ask how're you in a msn convo, the first to call and say i miss you.. and its worse because you seem to have time for everyone else except me, well, except us. its been years. i love you but its not fair and i don't want to play this role anymore.

please save me.

listen to me say

sorry.. i spend so much time on twitter now i'm too lazy to blog. that picture was last last sat? (i think) outing with sianpei, priscilla and yihua. met hann and mel at expo after that to watch Hillsong United. the music was awesome the speaker was good. wish i could say it was enough for me to start putting God first but.. i dont know. life has been so mundane. i wake up, i go to school. sometimes we'll go shopping.. ok we always go shopping. at ION especially. i currently have $300 in my bank acct.. sigh. and still intending to spend a bomb on kang jin's present.

i know.. should start saving. spend more time studying.. but i feel soo lazy. there was supposed to be class chalet this weekend but we postponed it because of the upcoming exams.. there are exams so often i really dont care anymore. ok i do care, but not as much as before. now, its just, do your work.. if you're too tired, dont do it. if you're too lazy, dont do it. if you dont make promos, its okay.. just go to poly. i have that mindset everyday.. how how how

i feel like my life is going around in circles. feels like i'm always doing the same thing, feeling the same way, experiencing the same things. i dont know if its a bad thing but i dont feel much about anything anymore. i havent cried in a long time ^^ havent felt extremely happy for a long time too.. life is just, life. haha.

i dont know how to be selfish with you.

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible-when Harry met Sally

goodbye.

i dont understand why the world has to be so superficial. why is it that i'm trying so hard to meet everyone's external expectations all the time? what does it matter? what actually matters in this screwed up world where practically everyone behaves like whatever they think or feel is definitely right? even if you know its wrong in the heart of hearts, you do it anyway. why are you so hurtful? why are you so selfish? why do i feel like screaming at the people i love most, the people i'm closest to, as i type these thoughts out? i wish i could do something. i wish i could make you understand. i wish i could tell you how i feel without sounding stupid or overly sensitive. i wish i wasn't afraid. i wish i could stop pretending, stop pretending that i'm alright when i'm not,that i approve of what you're doing when i dont. i wish i was different. i wish i could stop judging people when i'm not that great myself. i wish i knew how to start treating people right, even if we think and behave differently, even when i feel an immediate dislike towards them, because everyone else does. i wish i would stop living for the opinions of others, when all that matters is the opinion of one.

i'm so sick of myself. so fed up.

fickle

i stopped deleting my messages for like a month back so today i decided to arrange my messages according to contacts and my inbox was filled with 2533 messages from park kang alone >.<

i went... o.O not bad for 2people who barely understand each other. lol!

econs was a bitch today :(

:(

as of 18july onwards, i'm officially homeless.

and after all this time that you still owe

you're still the good-for-nothing I don't know

so take your gloves and get out

better get out while you can

when you go

would you even turn to say

"I don't love you

Like I did Yesterday"

why d'ya have to be so cute?

it's impossible to ignore you

must you make me laugh so much

it's bad enough we get along so well

say goodnight and go

point form about my week because this is going to be lONG.

-everyone seems to want to learn korean these days huh huh must be boys over flowers
i feel really sad that i've got to share hyun joong/ji hoo with so many people when my greatest wish is to marry him seriouslyZ. (this is what i realised over the past week)

-my week was fun but a waste of time track camp was like a chalet we got to stay up till like the wee hours in the morning gossiping without any teacher stalking the campsite like a hawk? ok it wasnt a campsite it was a classroom but my point is, it was so unlike girl guides camp and i loved it hahaha

- i met park kang for 3days in a row because we both had holidays he actually went to the zoo!! and we went to queensway together to buy his shoes i found his shoe size and i think i'm going to get him a pair of shoes for his birthday because he only has ugly track shoes in singapore?!

- visited mel at haji lane on sat together with elisha and we ate organic ice cream at tom's palette? best ice cream in the world.

- sunday i was some triathlon volunteer with track and i sat on a chair under an umbrella for hours saying slow down.. delise was beside me saying turn around & we sounded like a broken record -.- lunch with a few track people after that and i went home slept like pig until ahgong came over with xiaogu to have curry fishhead for dinner. wanted to watch a midnight movie but dad kept insisting there were no midnight movies on sunday and i kept insisting there was so we made a $100 bet and guess who won HAHA we watched ghosts of girlfriends past and i really really liked it okay that was almost the whole of my last week you can see that there is no studying day except for thur with basia at the esplanade which was pretty much a failed attempt cos we spent three hours at lunch not my fault!!

okay this week has been a little more fruitful 4/5 class outing on monday we went botanic gardens we had so much fun playing rounders we decided to meet up regularly at yishun stadium to play hehe astons at night before going to the playground under gwen's house to play crocodile hahaha i really had a lot of fun. & finally met up with lydia yesterday!! i officially started studying today & i'm going to study hard from now onwards kk. k.

other than the times when i sulked and screamed and quarrelled with dad over the moving house issue and sat at the bench under my tower going through every single memory at orchid park wishing we didnt have to go, my week was great.

he said,huh,dont cry,please.
i think you're really really cute.